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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in alias: rose of the woods' LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
8:37 pm
hello from afar..
well today i met with my midwife for the first time face to face.
all this is so wonderful, no matter how much it sets me aside from all even further than wut i already was before... ah well..
1,660 dollars in all is wut her services will cost, --it's pretty priceless to me. she has a partner in her work that coicidentally is the midwife that caught me and all of my siblings, so it's purty freekin sweet if i do say...
well peace out all you strangers that i love..
until next time.





oh yeah, my due date is variable, but anywhere from late august but most likely anywhere in september.
much love and God bless you!
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
10:48 pm
BITE THIS bullet bitch.
i just wanted to say that i love all of you SO much that i just
CAN'T STAND


ANY of you.






loveyoubye.

Current Mood: napalm sticks to kids
Sunday, December 18th, 2005
3:28 pm
in YOH face
life is strange.
i can tell no one anything.
i can say "don't hate" but i do too
i can say "issall good" but it don't feel tru

love talks to everyone

love talks to everyone



love talks to everyone: money talks more

love talks to everyone: money talks more





i'm tired.
i hate food.
i feel close to a few and sometimes none.
i feel proud to be poor.
i am able to lose much
but it will touch nothing close to wut matters.
so: -good.



i want to be a rappa
'hood rat atat tat'


ahm sicka wiggaz talkin bout wut ther
pist at
ifyuh wunna busta game
come hard with no slack
cuz tho i look lika bitch
lika ignot drown rat
bettuh know i don't fuck wif
doze dat slack

when i speak my mind
unlike others often do
i can piss off a one kid
two
a few
maybe you

if you think that you can push me out
shut me down
bettuh know that the you standin on is
my stompin grounds

if you know and respect me
i'll respect you back
but ifyuh jus want to fuk me
yuh needa jus relax
find some class..
girls like me ahviously need no ass...



yuh talkin shit?
i'll talk
to you
back...
Saturday, December 3rd, 2005
3:51 pm
you PLEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZ fill this out fo me?
"bayba, take off.. yoh cool: I JUST.. want to get.. to know.. you..."


(..1)
4 names you are often called:
1. mo
2. moje
3. bebe
4. woman

(..2)
4 things you want to do more often:
1. stretch
2. pray
3. clean
4. create

(..3)
4 things you are looking forward to:
1. moving
2. decorating
3. sewing my projects
4. selling stuff on ebay

(..4)
4 things you miss often:
1. my peace
2. solitude
3. the good ol' days, the good ol' days
4. my mum

(..5)
4 favorite items of clothing:
1. funky tie dyed legwarmers
2. my wings
3. green hoodie
4. fingerless gloves

(..6)
4 current most listened to music groups:
1. bjork
2. massive attack
3. souixsie and the banshees
4. deftones

(..7)
4 reasons why you'd fight:
1. if i felt oppressed
2. if i knew i was most likely going to die anyways
3. if the one who needed to was helpless
4. if i just simply knew i had to

(..8)
4 addictions or habits:
1. ima myspace junkie like wut
2. smoker
3. lazy core for LOIF NUKKUHZ!!!!
4. i sleep naked or else i don't sleep

(..9)
4 favorite shops:
1. ummm.... does the library count?
2. any florist/greenhouse
3. any thriftstore
4. any coffee slash book store

(..10)
4 favorite reading items:
1. MAGAZINES!!!!! woooooooo!!!!! yeah, it's sad.
2. adbusters
3. things that people i know have written
4. the bible

(..11)
4 favorite animals:
1. all big cats
2. all exotic animals astound me
3. the luna moth
4. fawn

(..12)
4 closest people in your life:
1. Jordan moi love
2. tess foxx that fotsy batch!!!!
3. nane moi cuz fo loif!!!
4. kendalini

(..13)
4 things that make you happy:
1. the promises of the Lord
2. Jordan
3. mah crew
4. my hopes

(..14)
4 ongoing paranias/fears you have:
1. that i'm gonna be misunderstood/judged/abandoned
2. that i'm gonna be sent to hell for some fukt up reason
3. that i'm gonna die a hidious death
4. that the gov taps absolutely everything: even this (ah, fuck em)

(..15)
4 pet peeves you have:
1. dishes
2. work
3. people actin all snarky en shit, needin a punch to the face
4. money

(..15)
4 famous people you wish to meet (dead or alive):
1. bjork
2. mary magdelin
3. jesus Christ
4. bob marley

(..16)
4 favorite places:
1. maui hawaii
2. chicago
3. L.A.
4. in my lovah's arms

(..17)
4 things that get you in the holiday spirit:
1. snow storms
2. pine garlands
3. chritmas trees
4. mittens

(..18)
4 things you often drink:
1. vitamin water: "focus" (the pink shite)
2. herbal tea (though not lately, en i miss it)
3. coffee (i live off the shit)
4. ice water with lemon

(..19)
4 things you want to get (materialistically):
1. a huge mirror
2. that one lamp at that one junk store
3. sets of ball mason jars for medicinal herbs
4. shelves

(..20)
4 things you want to get (non-materialistically):
1. i want to get real
2. i want to get why everything is the way it is
3. i want get a job in the areas if my interests
4. i want to get a driver's liceanse

(..21)
4 things you want to make:
1. chritmas presents fo moi frens
2. pine garlands
3. fashion collages for my en tess' wardrobe
4. my clothes

(..22)
4 things that you wish for the world:
1. that all would just let go and forgive eachother
2. for all to be cleansed of this filth
3. for nature and the man's world would live as one in health
4. for all to LIVE by the inevitable truth of our equality

(..23)
4 of your most favorite movies of all time:
1. howl's moving castle
2. tarnation
3. fantasia
4. the dark crystal

(..24)
4 superhuman abilities you would have if you could:
1. that i could read people's minds
2. that i could breathe under water
3. that wings could form from my back whenever i wished
4. that i could fight extremely well, like, extremely...

(..25)
4 traditions you take part in often:
1. truck stop proid!!!
2. cooking at henry's bar
3. cuddling the little lucy dawg
4. talking with my girlies on the cell whenever i can (mainly nicole, nane, en tess)

(..26)
4 women you adore:
1. tess
2. nane
3. moi mum
4. mother nature

(..27)
4 men you adore:
1. jesus christ
2. jordan henry
3. howl from howl's moving castle
4.

(..28)
4 people you miss (who are they):
1. nane, my cuz
2. the huntah, my childhood holmeslice
3. ellzibeth, aww that grrl from back in tha day..
4. my mum

(..29)
4 major reasons reasons why you love being alive:
1. the experience of all this is just wild. insane. bogus. great.
2. i'm blessed.
3. wut i've been exposed to far has been about.. i'd say... 95% beautiful
4. oh how living is priceless, knowing that one day this all will change

(..30)
4 things about yourself that most would never guess about you:
1. ima sucka fo name brands
2. i like a lot of mainstream rap
3. i ought get a divorce sometime soon..
4. i go to tanning beds sometimes

(..31)
4 of the most dispicable things you've ever seen in your life:
1. texas chainsaw massecre is proof that satan is real: proof fer all you atheist and agnostic folx
2. a photo of a mutilated prostitute in a hotel's bathtub
3. photos/documentaries of the holocaust of nazi germany
4. domestic violence

(..32)
4 things you believe:
1. though the bible is pritty messed up, i believe in wut's found between the lines
2. i believe in metaphysics
3. i believe that all adults should experience the life of homelessness and rambling for at least a year (good mental food)
4. i believe belive in Jesus Christ

(..33)
4 things you believe keep you alive:
1. Love
2. relationships
3. hope
4. knoweledge

(..34)
4 favorite artists:
1. alphonse mucha
2. bjork
3. souixsie
4. myself ( oh GOD i am just SO full of myself)

(..35)
4 favorite smells:
1. jordan's breath
2. fresh flowers
3. calvin klein's euphoria
4. sandalwood

(..36)
4 favorite foods to eat:
1. sushi
2. salad
3. peach or melon popsicles
4. home made venison pot pies

(..37)
4 places you want to go before you die:
1. back to maui
2. to ishpeming michigan at leasta few more times
3. to L.A. a few more times
4. somewhere rill lovely that i've never been before..

(..38)
4 things you want to do before you die:
1. live, live, Live
2. create so much i might even be a famous artist once i'm gone
3. dance so well i could dance for days
4. be wed once again, do it all the righteous way, raise children

(..39)
4 things you love about this world:
1. the boundless beauty
2. that we arr beings able to relate
3. that we can create too
4. its synchronicity/divinity/depth

(..40)
4 things you hate about this world:
1. the hate
2. the tainted
3. the abusive authority
4. the evil regime

(..41)
4 female names you like a lot:
1. ira (hebrew: the watchful one)
2. serene
3. isha (means the Woman)
4. roah (of the waters)

(..42)
4 male names you like a lot:
1. solomon (the man blessed with Wisdom, who wrote "song of songs", the love story of God and His love for us; he also built his temple on mount Moriah)
2. job ( a great book, and gorgeous paintings by alphonse mucha)
3. i'll get back to you.. or maybe not...
4.

(..43)
4 things you would say to the whole world if the whole world could hear:
1. BELIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. BE IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. FORGIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. aww, you guys.... isn't this all so AMAZING?!!!! --WE ALL ARR ROYALTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(..44)
4 things you'd like to be perfect at:
1. loving
2. defense dancing
3. memorization
4. dreaming and remembering

(..45)
4 things you want to change about yourself (physically):
1. i'd like my teeth to be as white as country snow
2. i'd like to be black, to be honest... with a gorgeous fro en all?
3. --that, or i'd like to have caramel skin with white hair
4. my belly is pritty silly...

(..46)
4 things you want to change about yourself (otherwise):
1. fuck how negative i get all the time
2. fuck how fear controls me sometimes
3. doubt get thee behind me
4. i wish to shirk all insecurities RIGHT NOW.

(..47)
4 things you love to do:
1. walk
2. sleep and dream
3. hang out with loved ones
4. make stuff

(..48)
4 of your favorite authors:
1. ulrich schaffer
2. anne morrow lindeburgh
3. my cousin abbey
4. myself

(..49)
4 most favorite family members:
1. nane
2. abbey
3. feef
4. mum

(..50)
4 most favorite candies:
1. watermelon bubblegum (blowing bubbles is SO fuckin great)
2. chupa chupp lolli pops
3. organic save the rainforest chocolate
4. does icecream count?

(..51)
4 things that remind you of home:
1. candles
2. wood and fur
3. dogs
4. prisms

(..51)
4 things you think about this survey:
1. this took a longgg time
2. i wonder wut other people arr going to write
3. i could giva fuk wut other people say, i love surveys
4. oh God, the gov is gonna have a hay day with this one..

(..52)
4 fads you actually like:
1. the healthfood craze!!!
2. furry knee high boots
3. drainpipes
4. chihuahuas

(..53)
4 terms of jargon you find yourself using a lot:
1. oi loik to speek az if oi wohz frum london oh something of the soht..
2. i often tell those that snark me to suk a fuk
3. i say roit a lot
4. other words of my vocabulary often include words like "wump", "blish", "fyke", "yoh", "bebe", "tahti", "nukkuh", "toe tuh lee AWE sssSsummmm..", "hold up yuh pi napples!!! "toe tuh lee AWESssummm.."
"cuh"... on en on...

Current Mood: i do NOT want to go to work..
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
4:30 pm
7 DEADLY SINS
this thing moit be a lil silly, so bear with me..



ANGER

1. who did you last get angry with? jordan henry, for bring things up i wish never happened in the first place, even if he wasn't in my life to be affected by it.

2. what is your weapon of choice? my love

3. would you hit a member of the opposite sex? sure as hell. if they attempt at oppressing me first.

4. how about of the same sex? but of course

5.who was the last person who got really angry at you? -other than myself: jordan.

7. do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? i've surprised even myself so many times on how easily i can let things go, how quickly, regardless of how serious wutever it was was, but in the same bargain, people's words and actions and behavior causes me to make subliminal notes about them that i use to predict/discern and choose wut it is that i feel about them and for them from that moment forward... shiss crazy.

SL0TH
1. what is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? taking the dogs out FOR A WALK.

2. what is the latest you've ever woken up? noon at night

3. name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: evah my sister in L.A. --she's prolly all pist about it too
4. what is the last lame excuse you made? i was like "I DID THE DISHES ALL THE FUCKIN TIME AND IT REALLY LOOKED LIKE I WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING THEM SO I JUST FUCKIN STOPT, OK?!!!!" --which is pritty much tru..

5. have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)?: fuk tv.

6. when was the last time you got a good workout? working azza cook izzan insane work out, they've got me dancin like a goddamned monkey

7. how many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? i didn't set it today.


GLUTTONY
1. what is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? whipped iced zebra mocha

2. meat eaters: i don't really eat.

3. what is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? about 7 shots of everclear on jesse fisher's 22nd birthday, i was with him, shannon, en kathryn on boone st. and justin got so pissed that night cuz the everclear was for tinctures and we drank it all... i was so hella djrunk..

4. have you ever used a professional diet company? please. -they'd prolly like to use ME.

5. do you have an issue with your weight? yeah, i need to gain some muscle.

6. do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? sweet rules. that and bitter.

7. have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? no.

LUST
1. how many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? millions.

2. how many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? millions.

3. have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice? not meaning to.

4. what is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? man breasts. biceps. arses. calves. teeth. eyes. hair. skin.

5. have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? no.

6. have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? no. --but i prolly should be.

7. is love at first sight really lust? practically. but sometimes i think that people sense that the person they're encountering is going to have a lot to do with their future, en they can sense it, i've felt that many times, and i was right.

GREED
1. how many credit cards do you own? none.

2. what's your guilty pleasure store? h&m

3. if you had $1 million, what would you do with it? get land, build scrap castles, greenhouses on stilts up in the canopies of trees, buy solar panels, ammo, tools, hydro amphibius bullet proof vehicles, supplies to make clothing, a house boat, countless hydro dirt bikes.... on en on..

4. would you rather be rich, or famous? neither. i would totally dig be loaded and infamous tho.

5. would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? yep.

6. have you ever stolen anything? countless things.

7. how many MP3s are on your hard drive? i have no idea.

PRIDE
1. what one thing have you done that you're most proud of? stuck up for people.

2. what one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? made it this far.

3. what thing would you like to accomplish in your life? self control.

4. do you get annoyed by coming in second place? str8 up. i'd rather not even know WUT place i'm in.

5. have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? i hate contests. hoo the fux got the rate to judge me?!

6. have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? nope. i just didn't do it. i'd just leave a letter to entertain my teacher telling him/her why i won't take it..

7. what did you do today that you're proud of? went to work even tho i felt like total shit.

ENVY
1. what item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? everything that's nicole's.

2. who would you want to go on "trading spaces" with? kate moss.

3. if you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? that unseen en unknown femme fatale contract killer.

4. have you ever been cheated on? not technically.

5. have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? fuck all these girls with their brutally unreal breastessesses... they make me want to cut them out.

6. finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? fuck sin.

Current Mood: fuckin aggitated
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
12:25 am
so it seems
so everything is evolving
in it's silence
our unseeing eyes
search out yet do not see
all of us
we look for answers
we misunderstand maybe
maybe we can't even comprehend
i want to just
breathe







breathe in and as i open my eyes
with my open heart and open mind and ears
if i am even able to summon such things out or into me
if i desire tha t which made those things, i will recieve..

i will be able to see
i WILL see
i WILL recieve
and then i will finally be at peace
i will let go then
for there will nolonger be this
STRUGGLE
this FIGHT where all hands are bloody
all hands are chained
all that we've been fighting for will
never be taken from us again
and we will breathe
we will rest
weightlessness...

i imagine it like running
so hard
all is trembling
not stopping
running from hounds of hell itself

trying to hold hands for support
a temporal refuge of some sort

we won't be able to

it won't even matter
all that has mattered so much down here
all this time

en we all knew



running
running and crying
running and summoning
running and belief is wut will continue to draw to you
every step further away from all this will be a milestone
it will be another concious choice
furtherment of repentance
furtherment of belief
furtherment of hope
furtherment of this everpresent lingering tenseness
furtherment of the understandings we've always longed for
the fruit will ripen and fall in storms
we will know
wut has been unfathomable
and we will rejoice
we will all remember
we all will struggle more than we ever thought possible
desire and the void of ourselves will eclipse ourselves
and we will either be consumed by trying to consume as much as we can
or
the void will fill
and never haunt us again

en we will lift off this ground
from which our bones were made
on which we lived these lives

en we will be taken into the atmosphere

we will hear our true names
we all will choose
then we will all know righteous fear
for the first time
and the last time ever
the everlasting Love will move upon us
claim us and cloak us
from the darkness devouring all that chose to be of itself...




everything is so difficult for me to share.






the end is near.
you know.

Current Mood: waiting
Friday, November 25th, 2005
1:36 am
"HAPPY" "THANKS" "GIVING" ---this is ALL obligation...
welp?
my day? this: "holiday"?
can suk a fuk.
i woke up to jordan yelling at me for not getting up..
in my mind i'm like "sheesh, some holiday.."
he had to break in to get me up, which was in NO gentle manner, needless to say i slapped him while i was in mid air, busted his lip a little bit, got slapped back, and his mom was going to be back here at my house to pick him back up, and me up, if i "still wanted to go" in 20 minutes.

well shit.

i did NOT want to go. i never did. azzah matta of FACT I didn't want to go to ANY "family" thing cuz it sure loox like i have fukt up pritty frikin bad in every angle of my life right now.

so i go. wutev with that. i wanted to stand by the coat rack and act like a coat. i shitchoo not i wanted to just disappear, en i just stood there. for quite a while. sometimes i just want to delete myself from reality, just so that things will go better for everyone else, en i don't have to worry about trying to explain why i had to go away, or to not have to explain anything to anyone would be great. yeah, that right: lazy-core for life.
SWEET TESS.. aw grrrl.. yeah, en then all THAT shit.. wer all "so selfish", we all can't even see past it, our thoughts make them feel bad, their thoughts do to us the same...



sometimes it feels like i've lost all desire for all things.


people's minds make me feel nervous. its all right.
i've made it this far, en i was the strongest sperm in my father's shot that night, so its all right.

i brace
my self
to fall
in place..

i wish i was drinking with all you right now.
that, or dead with all you.
that, or so seriously alive with all you right now.
i give a shout out to all you right now.

i'm so tired of fighting. i'm so tired of fucking up. i'm so tired of "shit happens".
i'm so tired of days off. and days where i have to work.
i'm so sick of trying to explain
and not even skimming the surface of wut it is that i need to say..

so have a day
and another
and another
and another
and another
and another
and another
and another
and another
till one day

...oh yeah.. i'm stoked, en i'll see you there..

Current Mood: "the worst is over" MOI ARSE!
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
2:49 am
you knew this
ima total bitch.
--that be bitch face
bitch face face..
ya know.
Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
10:48 pm
ah hope,ah hopetuh GOD...
things change en it's good.
even when changes don't feel good.
even when results arr not great.
even when it feels like results never come.

if the Lord brings us to it
He can bring us thru it..

it's too cold in this town.

i'm being so weak all the time.

being broke has never rilly bothered me in life so fah, till lately..

credit? social security? wigwam? rent? objects? time? status? appropriot? patches? painpills? period?

CHRISTMAS?! ---awesssumm...

family? food? warmth? security? chores? the rest of my life? yours? cell phone bills.. dog food..

checking account.. credit card.. driver's liceanse.. duty.. citizen.. THE END TIMES.. we all know..

dreams.. costumes.. struggles.. hot water that runs out.. back feeling broken.. shows? please? desire..

ben's techno rules..

it's so beautiful out, sept the wind's a bitch..



i hope en pray to God that He let's us move.

Current Mood: "my blood hurts.."
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
11:33 pm
en i awoke to music...
the alarm went off
the sky was white
shining white
the alarm was blairing Lynard Skynard
"simple man"
the alarm sounded right atthe beginning of the song.
the odds, i couldn't guess.
it made me want to continue on in my dreams
but work and this world of drizzling rain
and cutting food
microwaves
cigarettes
was too, calling.
the song lulled me out of my dreams, as if that song
was just for me, and the things i was experiencing in my dream..
i could remember it.
in my dream
my cell phone was ringing
i was outside, reaching for a door
ivy all around, it was sunny and warm
i answer
en it's nolan
which was odd to me
en i said, of course, "hello?"
en he said
"meet me"
i said "where?"
en he hung up the phone
my dream shifted to a thrift store
where i found children's books based off of bjork's work
and i was thrilled having never known that they even existed,
but then the thriftstore was being held up, but it felt like more than that
it felt like this was happening in every place at that very moment, everywhere..
and i had bombs in my purse
tiny ones
disguised in things resembling hard boiled eggs
the bombs themselves looked more like bullets
but rounded at each end,
en i threw them at the black dressed terrorists inside this thriftstore
en i threw them at the wall
and everything began exploding
everyone was screaming of course
and i ran
got out from an exploded hole in the wall
then the scenes shifted once again
i could see fleets of hella ..copters
the trees were glowing gold in the daylight
and i was walking on an extremely high wall..
that's really all i remember.
that song was playing and i was laying
just wondrin wut this new day will bring
wondrin wut all these dreams mean
thinkin of every man i love and his mother
saying to him those words
either with her mouth or with her eyes

i thought of this life this morning
refusing to get up until i found some form of reasoning
i got up

cuz that is just wut we that live do.
Monday, November 14th, 2005
7:40 pm
if only...
i'm so mad lately. i hate it when people get all up in my box with their oppinions, their wants, they they they..
i need to make millions. there's millions of ways to, but i'm not doing one.
the irony.
if i could rule the world
i'd free all my sons
en have another baby.
i'm so unsatisfied with the relationships in my life. every single one. they're either too much or not enough.
i'm so.. i'm SO!!!!!! nothin.
damnit i am tired. this STOOPID way of living. i'm SICK of not having my own room. i am just SICK of having no money. i am just SICK of being just another stupid fuckin plain ol' usual sort of white girl and i am SO SICK of being told HOW THE FUCK TO BE!!! wut to say, wut i will en will not do. --WUT THE FUCK IS THIS??? -i'm so serious it hurts.
AHHHH!!! dangit you guys..
my life is wut i make it. i have fukt it up lately. this world isn't helping. it never has tho, so i don't rilly expect it to or anything.. but i have let too many things have a say about myself too much lately, i got fuckin idiots tellin me they know me, talkin to me as if they do, but by the ways that they're being, it's totally obvious that they actually don't: at all, en to top it all off? when people bitch at me? about absolutely NOTHING?! BUT THIS 'NOTHING' IS THE NEW MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD for me (exclusively) to (oughtta be) worrying about and changing about myself, thass when i explode (or wish to) cuz i cunt help but be like, "excuse me? -i am NOT a dumb bitch ya dumb bitch.." --where in tha FUK do people get these insane ideas in their heads that they can talk to me like this?!
i am NOT a slave!!! i am NOT going to bow down to another human being or a whole lot of em for that matter, en if i evah do you betterbet it's cuz the fuckin asses arr standing like the pigs that they arr over MY DEAD FUCKIN BODY!!!

AHH! ah! i am SO MAD!!
FUCK!!! how do i get myself in this shit?! why does this shit keep following me? does my forehead have some sign that only total douche bags can read that says "hey? --would you help me please by totally bashing my being in any way possible? --yeah, could you please tell me wut to do, tell me how to feel, tell me who i can feel wut for, tell me who i can be around and for how long and for wut reasons, cuz don't i OBVIOUSLY look stupid to you? --oh wait, i'll be flattered by you tho if you tell me i'm some sort of cute-stupid, or helpless-cute, or silly-mad, or baby-sexy.."
WELL I KNOW WUT
THE FUCK I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM NO ONE'S BABY
I KNOW THAT I'M "HOT"
I KNOW THAT I CAN BE "SEXY" SOMETIMES
BUT YUH KNOW WUT?!!
I COULD GIVE A FLYING
FUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT GETS ME SEEN AS STUPID!!!
i'm seen as a commodity!!! a fuckin scene bitch! a fuckin toy! a fuckin loud mouth who thinx she can get away with anything just cuz she's cute?!
FUCK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and Fuck ALL who try and manipulate ANYONE for WUTEVER reasonings.
and fuck this time and place.
and fuck the ways i'm seen.
and fuck the ways i'm being.
and fuck how i'm reacting.
and FUCK
SO MUCH how people react offa me.
i'm so serious: fuck this time and place, this face, this stupid fuckin rat race.






i love you guys.






thankyou for letting me puke.




"if yer walkin on eggshells, you might as well be dancing"
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
1:10 am
FUCK?! ---fuckin .... ugh...
today started out so beautifully. i woke up at around 10:30, i wrote Bjork online en she actually (or quite possibly a secretary) wrote me back, which is most likely not even 1/4 as awesome to you as it is to me.

then Cass en i got some quality time in, which is SSSSsso badass.. i love it when i get to hang with amazing ladies one on one. we went to faggot park and we chilled in the dead japanese water garden. nature is so lovely. Cass took pictures of me en i feel so embarassed cuz i know that i'm not some amazing wutev.. i feel so shy in front of cameras sometimes that i want to either laugh or cry at my self esteem issues. i guess thank god in a way that no one rilly ever takes my picture. i just know wut i am, and sometimes i'm the most unthankful person i know. ah well...
Cass en i lost track of time en we had to rush back to my house so i could put on my normal clothes, en then she kindly rushed me to work.
today at work was decent. the crew gets me thru it. sometimes i just feel sick in there, simply out of the urge to just.. leave, or cuz of that fuckin satanic death metal blairing all night, or just cuz standing in one place for a while gets to try my so called a.d.d. as well as my nerves all too easily. but?- before i know it i'm off, en i walk home with jordan who met me there.
i get home and nona you kids arr around. as i expected. it's almost strange. i miss all you. i think i'm addicted.
it's been wut -a day?


i've got so much on my mind lately. i don't want to talk anymore. i don't ever seem to get to the point i'm trying to make ever anyways.

Jacob came over and played some rehab and ani d. for us, i love you Jacob. thankyou for you.


well you guys,
hold on only to wut is yours
-peace-


In the last 24 Hours have you ..
1. Had sex: sigh.
2. Bought Something: no.
3. Gotten sick: i'm always feeling sick lately. en pissed the fuck off too.
4. Sang: oh yes
5. Been kissed: yes
6. Ate something: salad, salad, salad.
7. Felt stupid: too often, en too often am i tempted to.
8. Talked to an ex: in the last week, yes.
9. Missed someone: yes
10. Hugged someone: but of course

Last person who ..
1. Slept in your bed: i technically don't have a bed, but jordan sleeps with me all the time.
2. Saw you cry: almost everyone
3. Made you cry: almost everyone
4. You went to the movies with: i cunt remember
5. You went to the mall with: jordan, nolan, tess en fred, erik.. i think?

Have You Ever
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: yes. all the time.
2. Got in a fight with your pet: yeah right, but my old family? -all the time..
3. Been to California: el ay wut wut?!
4. Been to Mexico: naw mang..
5. Been to China: no
6. Been to Canada: yes
7. Been to Europe: oh i fucking WISH.

Random ..
1. Do you have a crush on someone: FUCK no.
2. What books are you reading now: teenzines, yeah so wut.
3. Worst feeling in the world: hmm...guilt? desolation? abandonment? knowing i don't even matter to many? rejection? neing mocked? disclusion? hunger that has absolutely nothing to do with this body? feeling COMPLETELY out of sync with almost everything around me? --ok,ok, i'll stop..
4. Future kids names: Accident.
5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no. i sleep with live ones tho.
6. What's under your bed: nothing.
8. Location: wut do you mean?
9. Piercing/Tattoos: i have a million tattoos cuz i'm SO cool. piercings arr for posers en winners.
--or at least that's wut my teenzines say..
10. Do you drink: too much lately.
11. What are you most scared of right now: the people i love the most.
12. Where do you want to get married: hah: FUCK YOU!!! (not YOU, it's justan expression)
13. Who do you really hate: no one.
14. Do you have a job: i AM a job beyatch!
15. Do you like being around people: i have no idea about this.
16. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: i understand.
17. Have you seen that commercial? we ARE commercials.
18. Are you lonely right now: no. alone tho till the day i die.
19. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: killing moon
21. Been in love: too much man, issall got me so down lately.. i wish i could just be in love with God or myself or something..
22. Played strip poker: no.
23. Gotten beaten up: too MUCH the fuckin assholes..
24. Done an all-nighter: yes
25. Been on radio/TV: one time for this thing called "pop filter" en i talked about good dumpsters en how the river needs serious help.
26. Been in a mosh-pit: those places arr silly to me. i love to watch.
27. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: yes
28. Skinny dipped: countless times.. i can hardly wait for the next..

Current Mood: shitty at my life's appendages
Saturday, November 5th, 2005
2:02 am
"Git!!!"
git you say don't you..
git?
git on outa here


that's RIGHT.
en YOU TOO.
cuz you know me, or at least you mustthink you do
wut a poor view

you know
me.. i let it, be honored er offended
it obviously isn't going to change me

cuz shitshyea
i'm PRAYIN
i'm doin mah best at monsta slayin
en i'm "justkeepin it REAL" for yalls

shit
i just find myself wondrin why nona you fuckas will do the same
when you wear these symblos of truth
all over the rags we use
like badges but where now IS the fruit? ah?

roit
call me wutever name that makes all this nonsensical
sense to you
en i'm gonna keep callin it all out the way i see you, it, all this, me, too..
i look at it like, "well, if the only thing close to respect that i can do is honesty
well time come and meet your partner that is truth and in the completion of you two
we all may be freed"

EQUALITY
RESPECT
TRUTH
LOVE
FREEDOM
FREEDOM
FREEDOM


--EN TO THE DAHKNESS OUT DEYAH:
"yuh crew run run run, yuh crew run run.."
-biggie-

Current Mood: "wut mood?"
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
1:29 am
ahm so damn DJRUNK all the damn time...
A - Age you got your first kiss? zero

B - Band listening to right now: portishead

C - Crush?: ahfill so humiliated... i humiliate myself all the time.. as of right now issrill bad.. i can't just lie about it.. if there could be such things as death by humiliation i'd seriously be one of the casualties...

D - Dad's name: Barney Edward McQuay

E - Easiest person to talk to: myself

F - Favorite music artist at the moment: myself

G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: candy can eata dick.

H - Hometown: the good ol' fort: i was born ina garage on elm st.

I - Instruments: my entire body is an instrument

J- Junior High: memorial park pirates WUT WUT?!!

K - Kids: MAH CREW. moi home crew..

L - Longest car ride ever: to florida

M - Mom's name: Anne Marie

N - Nickname: moflow, mobelle, moje, momomomo, precioushead, bebe, punkin, ect.

O - One wish: to be genuinely happy with myself.

P - Phobia[s]: relationships that lack the genuine. giving in to the dark side. giving in in general. rape and molestation. disfunctional relationships. abusive authority.

Q - Quote: "even the devil can site scripture for gis own purpose" -william shakespear

R - Reason to smile: i don't have aids.

S- Last song you heard: it could be sweet by portishead

T-time you woke up[today]: 1:40p.m.

U - Unknown fact about yourself: i rilly do tell all..

V - Vegetable you hate: brusselsprouts arr seriously fuckin GROSS!!!

W - Worst habit(s): smoking, being homicidally honest, laziness, various addictive behaviors, embarassment

X - X-rays: wrists.

Y - Yummy food: salad, sushi, smart or figi water, peach and melon popsicles, cheese en crackas, coconut shrimp, hot cheetos, salmon. tea. organic juice. coffee.
mediterranean, mexican, italian, thai, japanese, ect...

Z - Zodiac sign: sun sign? -taurus. moon sign? -saggittarious rising sign? -leo.

Current Mood: drunk en OFF WORK!!!
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
12:00 am
for those who long to relate....
"I have to protect my life on countless frontiers.
Worlds come rushing in,
choke me, flow over me,
and it is difficult to no be overpowered.

I am desert grass
in constant battle with the sand.
Each of my blades is a triumph,
each day like a year on my calendar.

And sometimes
when the grains of sand have me in their grip
I call for you.
The One who leads me through to green pastures
seems to be so distant.
Only hand and flesh and blood can help me.

And when i have survived everything
because you were eye
when i would have run into walls,
or hand
when i was too afraid to hold on,
then i know that the One came, disguised in you.

Each experience has a frontier
from which i can see you and him better."


-ulrich schaffer-
'with open eyes'
Monday, October 31st, 2005
11:55 pm
awright, so you guys..
i do believe that my face
no matter how sober, how clean, how painted she is,
looks forever smeared.
it's been kissed too much thru out my life.
you guys know why my name on here is madamnmobelle?
--cuz i'm obviously just fuckin mad, en then sometimes i just feel damned...
en then i'm mo since i can remember, en then belle, beauty...
"belle" --my mum's called me that since i can remember. God bless all the mums out there.
nolan used to call me mobelle back in the day, actually precisely a year ago.
that is also the time when i first got this account.
everything means so much.
everyone means so much.
i will NOT kill myself in some field or in some river to never be found,
cuz this all means too much.
i don't want to miss out.
i want to help prove hate wrong.
i want to watch death die with everyone who wants to live.

i want to write some ulrich schaffer for all of you,
this one is for all of you.


"ther arr days
in which the world is empty.
almost everything is air.
a few shadows render the landscape real.
otherwise there is only the coming en going
of aimless thoughts.
i am caught between things,
not-here-anymore and yet-not-there.
the emptiness is unfillable.

You will reach me only with difficulty.
The telephone will ring only in vain.
All messages will fall into that emptiness.
You call my name.

But do not give up.

I am on my way
to call and love into being
a new way of relating
among all things.

Over the nearby hills
the Old and New One is looking.
He has the form of the trees,
of the grasses,
your form, my friend,
the emptiness of air.

He is the Overflowing One."





all our cups overfloweth, ya dig?
---forgive me for when i fil like i do nothin but spill it.
i love all you so much. you arr all such a colorful rainbow to me.
you guys help me so much. i just can't even show youguys my emotions of gratitude.
I'M NOT DISSAPPEARD!!!! I'M NOT DEAD!!!!
WOOO!!!!

Current Mood: i survived halloween?!
11:53 am
i'm back suckas!!!
chi-town was toe tuh lee awe sssummm...
i dipped out it seems in perfect timing, en i'm back,
en all the parties arr over with. oh poo.
i want to dress up forever.
i want the world around me to be dressed up too.
wut a weekend.
so i guess tess en i arr moving?
west central?
woi yes, how can i refuse this request?
nolan, ben en jacob arr fleeing to the wilderness ay?
--you'll love it.
en by late november yer all gonna be like "fuck it: i'm cold. --less go to bama yalls.."
--en you'll love all thatshite even more.
i'm proud of you men.
you have nevah let me down.
KENDRA! -woman, i gotta talk with you like WOA.


YOU GUYS: coffee? dressed up?! --i mean, come ON: this is our last official day for another year.
please?
i miss you guys.
come to tess en my home
en hug me.
if you don't
i'll
not get a warming embrace
from all you.
sigh.
ok, i'm going to bed.
iloveallyousomuch, loveyoubye.
Godblessyoubye.
Monday, October 24th, 2005
7:28 pm
bleeding HOW?!
life is.... hmmm.
let me start again. ahem.
LIFE IS.... hmmm.
nope. i got nothin.

i feel ugly?
i'm mad?
i'm pouting?
i'm bored? no i'm not?
i'm hungry? food is gross? eating is gross?
i want to go back to sleep?
i just woke up?
i'm shitty with my shitty attitude?
everything feels overbearing.
people feel like liars.
i'm so rone ree..
yet i basically tell everyone to either get the fuck
or "yeah: STAY the Fuck away from me..."
i feel silly. i feel like an ingrate.
i feel like i want to kill someone, but i havn't found who yet.
i feel so silly. and mad. and like there's so much more to life than this that it's just fuckin insane. -that i'm livin it like this. of ALL things: like this.
oh well. things change within the blinks of an eye.
so you bettuh bet that i'm over here blinkin like wut. it must look like a seizure.
Friday, October 21st, 2005
4:17 pm
shhhhuuuhhhh..nothin?
1.When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? ...my face.

2.How much cash do you have on you?
thirty bux. big ballin fura brokebitch

3.What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"?
mollest

4.Favorite Plant? oh gosh!!! a LOT: fern, venus fly trap, lilly of the valley, mer jaen,
orchids and roses and white lilies...

5.Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
jordan's dad.

6.What is your main ring tone on your phone?
there is no ring. jordan droppedit in the toilet a while back
and it's only vibrated since.

7.What shirt are you wearing?
a plain shit brown army tee

8.Do you "label" yourself?
yea, all the time. noneof it fits tho.

9.Name brand of your shoes currently wearing?
adidas sambas


10.Bright or Dark Room?
i like rill dark or rill bright rooms. i like major contrast...

11.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
i love her. i miss her. i want to be with her. i want to write her via post. there's justso much to catch up on..
all thatshite..

12.Ever "spilled the beans"?
i love spilling absolutely ANYTHING I CAN.
ESPECIALLY if it freaks people out or ruins the carpet..

13.What were you doing at midnight last night?
mopping the kitchen floor of henry's bar.

14.What is the first two words of the last text message that you got say?
i don't remember

15.Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?
no.

16.What's a saying that you say a lot? i guess.. "you GUYS.." ? and.. "i dunno.."?


17.Who told you they loved you last?
tess while i was on the phone with her, as she traveled to molene illinois

18.Last furry thing you touched?
i got my brown faux fur vest on over this shit brown tee of mine..

19.How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
one.

20.Favorite age you have been so far?
i have loved and hated it all so much that i'll settle with either no or every age.

21.Your worst enemy?
evil.

22.What is your current desk top picture?
one of THE most badass pictures i've seen in a while.
itsa lady ina prettywedding gown with huge hands, in a jungle, en she's got a tiger mask on.. it's just so awessummm...

23.What was the last thing you said to someone?
"bebe,could you getme a cigarette?" ---i know, pathetic isn't it...

24.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose?
for all these fyking regrets to get behind me en thatthey'd stay that way. fuck money.

25.what car do you drive?
a dyno VFR

26.Whats the coolest thing you did with your car?
...my boyfriends car? --we drove around late at a lot lastwinter en it was fun. we'd park in random places and chill, jussthe 2 of us.. it was grand... en i miss it...

27.Whats your best feature?
i havn't quite found it yet..
maybe my good moods..?

Current Mood: blood. period. homicide. none.
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
4:47 pm
my results from that colour test (here they arr, nolan, i did this for you...)
Your Existing Situation
Defensive. Feels her position is threatened or inadequately established. Determined to pursue her objectives despite the anxiety induced by opposition.


Your Stress Sources
An existing situation is unsatisfactory but she feels unable to change it without cooperation; the need for understanding, for affectionate give-and-take remains unfulfilled. This not only depresses her but makes her irritable and impatient, producing restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.


Your Restrained Characteristics
Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.
Insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs reassurance and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.




Your Desired Objective
Sets herself idealistic but illusory goals. Has been bitterly disappointed and turns her back on life in weary self-disgust. Wants to forget it all and recover in a comfortable, problem-free situation.


Your Actual Problem
Anxiety and a restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced considerable stress. She reacts by putting this down to a total lack of understanding on the part of others, and by adopting a scornful and defiant attitude.


Your Actual Problem #2
Her natural ability to examine everything with critical discrimination has been distorted into an attitude of harsh disapproval, which opposes and denigrates without regard to the real facts.








well SHITE: thar yoo hav it folx!!


--like Woa..









more big news:

jordan is coming back fromthe navy, to stay, for good, ina wk and a half.
wow indeed. issall so wild. so turbulent. so insane. so fast. everything. i don't even know wut to say.
and i'm mo.
i don't know wut to say?
nope, i don't...
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